I wanted to take a moment to share with you men what took place
with me over the last 2-3 years. I was angry and frustrated with God. I felt angry and
frustrated with God because I wanted certain things from Him that I
felt I was not getting. These things were certain freedoms from sins,
relationships the way I wanted them, ministries I wanted, et. and it
didn't seem the Lord was helping me.
As I
battled these things I became angry with God blaming Him, began
withdrawing from fellowship, and finally one day shook my fist at God
and told Him to leave me alone. This is a request I wish He did not
answer. For a few years God left me to myself. There were times if you
saw me you would not have been able to put a difference between me and
someone who was lost.
Then I receive a phone call from my brother asking me questions about the Bible and Jesus. The last I saw him was when he was in a state of such arrogance within his total depravity [unaware of it] that he was on the verge of losing everything in his life he
held dear along with being near death due to his disregard for his very well being. I witnessed his own family in the wake of this dissipation, seemingly helpless to do anything. I remember walking
away from that thinking to myself: Where is the Lord? Look what He has
done. There is no salvation in the earth. This made me more angry with
God.
Then, by the providence of God, someone
gave him a commentary on the Gospel of John by Barclay and God used
that to open His eyes and by His grace and power translated him from the
power of darkness into His marvelous light. My brother was calling me
with the love of Jesus in his heart, the Word of God on his lips, and a
heart yearning for the Word of God and fellowship with the saints. He
did not know how far I had fallen away from the Lord Jesus. He looked to
me for some information knowing that I had been in Christ
for sometime. And it broke me.
I heard the
sounds of true salvation. He declared that Jesus is God. He proclaimed
to me that the Bible is the Word of God. He loved and desired the
fellowship of the saints. His heart was hot and mine was cold.I was such
a hypocrite. And worse...what if he knew how far I had fallen. I was
terrified of the Lord's judgement if my rebellion against the Lord Jesus
and His word would cause my own brother to stumble even a little bit.
The
light of the glory of Jesus Christ shone so brightly through him that
it began to melt me. In one glorious day the Lord Jesus granted to me
repentance from all my sins and faith in Him to come back and find
forgiveness. Satan had wreaked havoc upon me and my house because of
rebellion against the Most High. Let no one be deceived brothers, God is
not mocked. Whatever a man sows, that shall he also reap (Gal 6:7).
I
came back to the Lord Jesus because of His infinite grace and mercy.
And you know what? What He has done in calling me back to Him this time
(He called me in His Son 20 years ago) is better than before I fell.
What mercy!! I came back broken and empty. Before I thought I knew
things. All this was lost. Even the things truly I did have were taken
from me (Luke 8:18). I barely had a mustard seed of faith, but now the
Lord has healed. And it is better than I have ever known. And not just me, but my whole house.
The
call from Jesus was to wake up. Wake up! I was eating and drinking with
the drunkards!! The cares and pleasures of this world had blinded my
eyes. And had I been left in this state, my Lord would have come upon at
an hour I did not expect him, and would have cut me asunder and
appointed me my portion with the hypocrites. And there would have been
weeping and gnashing of teeth (Matt. 24:49-51). Why did I come back?
Grace and grace alone.
An old statement of faith explains well the final perseverance of the saints of God. It reads this way:
This
perseverance of the saints depends not upon their own free will, but
upon the immutability of the decree of election, flowing from the free
and unchangeable love of God the Father, upon the efficacy of the merit
and intercession of Jesus Christ and union with him, the oath of God,
the abiding of his Spirit, and the seed of God within them, and the
nature of the covenant of grace; from all which ariseth also the
certainty and infallibility thereof. And though they may, through the
temptation of Satan and of the world, the prevalency of corruption
remaining in them, and the neglect of means of their preservation, fall
into grievous sins, and for a time continue therein, whereby they incur
God's displeasure and grieve his Holy Spirit, come to have their graces
and comforts impaired, have their hearts hardened, and their consciences
wounded, hurt and scandalize others, and bring temporal judgments upon
themselves, yet shall they renew their repentance and be preserved
through faith in Christ Jesus to the end. -1689 London Baptist Confession of Faith
That's it. That's the only reason I came back to Jesus. It is because of His greatness, His goodness, His Covenant, His Mercy, His blood, His Spirit. All glory to God alone though Jesus Christ by the power of His Holy Spirit.
Please listen to me...
The Lord Jesus is nearer than when we first believed. If you have fallen
asleep somewhat or a lot, wake up...and Christ will shine on you. Let's
remember the Lord and encourage each other weekly, daily. Let's lay
aside the sin that so easily ensnares us and run the race that is set
before us. Let's take up the Word of God in our hearts and mouths,
holiness in all our ways, and set our eyes upon the Author and Finisher
of our faith.
I love you all with all my
heart in Jesus. Thank you so much for your faithful prayers for me while
I was away. The Lord spared my life when He should have destroyed my
flesh in my wickedness. I committed great sins but they were not sins
unto death, so I thank you so much for your prayers for me (1 John
5:16-17).
May the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all.
Your brother and servant in Jesus.
